I've been reflecting back on the last few months of this year... Wow. Many miles of travel, many hours of work, and many new experiences... I've been to 17 states, worked three jobs, and lived in three different places. Life seems to be throwing me all lemons lately, and frankly, I'm tired of drinking lemonade!
I've been thinking a lot about my life, what my purpose is, and what I will be remembered as. Maybe I'm just turning rebel on everything that I've been taught, but I came up with a new idea of living. It's a great idea, but I still get cold feet. My idea: to live every day like it's my last. And I have a list. A list of things that I want to do before I die. A list of harmless fun that I have denied myself the pleasure of doing because of multiple reasons throughout my life. And so far, I have crossed off a few things. One was pulling an all nighter, another was to hang the price and buy a new camera, and a third was to buy a hat that I have always liked but worried what people would think if I wore it. Well, I don't care anymore. I have lived my life too long caring what people think about me. The people that really care about me will understand. All the others can talk about me and I refuse to let it bother me.
So moving on! Literally. We moved to North Dakota after spending most of the spring/summer between ND and SD. I put nearly 10,000 miles on my car between July and October, not to mention the other vehicles that I drove before July. Slowly, the house is being unpacked. Thus far, the weather has been cold and windy but heavy snow has held off. So we are thankful for that.
If/when life settles down for me, I have two dreams that I want to accomplish. One is to start my own business in natural/alternative medicine. By this, I don't mean to go to college and get tons of degrees and become a doctor. I mean that I want to study, read, experiment, learn, and make slaves, tinctures, concoctions, etc. that will help heal people. Thus far, I have enjoyed working part time and helping people who text or call me asking for help. But I want to do more. When I was in school, I wanted to graduate, get a scholarship, go to college, and become an RN. From there, I wanted to work up to a surgeon in either cardiology or neurology. That dream of being a surgeon is still very real to me, but being realistic, it won't happen in the near future. So I turned to something that I can do, that is still helping people and it doesn't require hundreds of thousands of dollars to accomplish. I enjoy the work, and although it may be weird for me to spend my summer reading college books in a rec center while the rest of my siblings are swimming, I'm doing something that I want to do.
I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately, but to preserve the peace, I'm going to refrain from posting them. On the other hand, I do have thoughts suitable for posting, and that would be the following:
What is pain like? What would it be like to be dying from some incurable disease and be in pain? What did our Saviour feel on the cross? "In agony prostrate Thou, suff'rest alone. ... Thou weepest and moanest in conflict and prayer, And writhest in agony, pain, and despair...(1)", "By anguish, grief, bent low; The depth of pain He suffered there No man can fully know. (2)", "Sinful world, behold the anguish Of our Saviour on the tree!... O such depth of pain and woe Never mortal heart did know! (3)"... So many songs relate of the pain that He suffered for us, on our behalf. It was for us, who were sinful, poor, and needy beggars, and we didn't even know our lowly state! Yet "He left Heaven's glory, to fulfil His father's plan. He chose to be our victor, and assured our pardon won. (4)" How thankful we all should be, that He loved us so much! So often, I forget what He has done for me on my behalf. I find myself struggling and sinking, wondering if I am all alone, if I should just give up, if He really is beside me. And then, He speaks. It may be through someone I meet, a song I happen to remember, a sermon, something I read, or verses that I have read that come back to me. I pray that God would remind us all daily what we have cost to Him, that we could truly glorify Him in ALL things. May He be with us all as we continue to walk along the narrow way of Life. May we encourage each other, pray for each other, lift up each other, and walk with each other. May we become a united body of believers, one strengthened by our trials and sorrows, and held together with a love that comes only from our Father in Heaven. Amen.
If our lives were only filled with ease
And we walked on as if only to please
Ourselves in vain and frivolous things
And thought nothing of our eternal end
If we lived our lives as we see fit
Caring not of where our Maker sits
On that right hand of our Father on high
And sought not for our reward in Heaven
If we only walk on a broad wide way
And make as if we can only say
This is my way, this is my life
I shall not be hindered by trying times
Then all is lost for us on Earth
Who have always walked so full of mirth
For a broken heart and a needy spirit
He lifts; and cheers the tribulation pressed.
- Sarah J. Moideer
1. My Crucified Saviour by Fredrika E. Falck Translated by Claude W. Foss
2. The Hour in Dark Gethsemane by Anonymous, Norwegian
3. Sinful World, Behold by Johann Quirsfeld
4. He Still Came Just For Me by Donna I. Douglas