The last few weeks have been chaos for me. So many of you have commented that I look "so happy", that I look "good". I am thankful for those compliments, because I know that God sent you to tell me those things. Underneath that calm, cool exterior you see is a girl, still searching to belong.
I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've traveled many, many miles these last two and a half weeks. I've met new people, I've experienced new things, I've attained things that I didn't believe were possible. And through it all, even when I've felt dead inside, there is a ray of light that keeps shining. There's a song that comes to mind, "I Look Not Back".
"I look not back; God knows the fruitless efforts, The wasted hours, the sinning, the regrets. I leave them all with Him who blots the record, And graciously forgives, and then forgets.
I look not forward; God sees all the future, The road that, short or long, will lead me home, And He will face with me its every trial, And bear for me the burdens that may come.
I look not round me; then would fears assail me, So wild the tumult of earth's restless seas, So dark the work, so filled with woe and evil, So vain the hope and comfort and of ease.
I look not inward; that would make me wretched; For I have naught on which to stay my trust. Nothing I see save failures and shortcomings, And weak endeavors, crumbling into dust.
But I look up - into the face of Jesus, For there my heart can rest, my fears are stilled; And there is joy, and love, and light for darkness, And perfect peace, and every hope fulfilled."
- Annie Johnson Flint
It seems that this is my cry just now. I don't want to look back; I don't want to dwell in my past. I don't want to look forward; I become too anxious and loose trust in my Heavenly Father because there are so many uncertainties I'm facing. I don't want to look around me; I compare myself to everyone and I fall short according to my own standards. I can't look inward; all I see is wretchedness, guilt, fear, uncertainties, shame, pride. But to look up... To look up into the face of Jesus. There I can rest and I have no fears. There I will find love, joy, peace, light, strength, and courage. In Christ alone, my All in All, is where I need to look.
Moving on... Each step has been guided by God and I have been able to see His hand in almost everything I've gone through these past two and a half weeks. He was with me, keeping me awake and alert while I traveled over 2,000 miles by myself with no accidents, scratches, or bumps. He was with me at my doctor's appointment and it seems that we are so close to finding out what is wrong with me. He was with me in Spokane when I took my national test, the last one I needed to qualify at the national level as an EMT. He was there when I drove to the Tri-Cities the next day with tears in my eyes more times then not. I was so overwhelmed. During the test, there were times I literally could not remember the answer. I prayed, and He answered.
It seems like everything is falling into place with me moving here. I found a place to live, I passed my test, I have wonderful friends. But how is my walk with the One who made this all possible? I can recognize Him in all of this, but is He first in my heart or is He just someone I cry to when I need help or when I'm lost, or I pray and say "Thank you" to when I can see His hand in my life?
There are so many thoughts and feelings I am feeling now, yet it's hard to write about. So many are twisted and confusing. Yet, one thing remains true and untouched and this I must hold on to with all my might, no matter how weak and failing I feel: I am loved. I am truly loved. No matter what those around me think or what I think of myself. No matter how I feel, no matter what if I fail or if I fall.
I. AM. LOVED.That is what I am holding on to this Christmas season. That God loved us, fallen and failing though we be, But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (1) so much that He sent a Saviour, His Son, into this world, And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. (2) that we would know Him and His unfailing love and grace, that we would believe in Him, and that we could be saved through faith in Christ. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (3) For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. (4) It doesn't matter if those around us are far from encouraging, it doesn't matter if we are sick, it doesn't matter what we look like or what we wear, it doesn't matter what church we attend or what religion we associate with, it doesn't matter if we are homeless or without a job. He loves us, unconditionally. The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. (5)But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. (6)
Those are my thought. I wish everyone a Christmas season full of the hope, love, and peace that only Christ can give. May He be with you now and forever more.
1. Romans 5:8
2. Luke 2:10-11
3. John 3:16
4. Ephesians 2:8-9
5. Zephaniah 3:17
6. Psalm 85:15